in memoriam et in gaudiam

ברוח דין האמת

start with a light tone and a gentle touch #tacomaybe #potatooles

i was a wayward if outgoing child blessed with a vivid imagination and cursed with difficult circumstances who became a moody and unreachable teen otherwise known as a theater kid

a couple years’ journey into fading quietly into the wallpaper when not on stage in not quite the middle of nowhere this person came along and they’d been taught by their family if they ever found someone in need to help that person and so i got to enter the family’s life

if nothing else was done it would have been enough

i quickly bonded with the parents who not only helped me fill in the gaps left from trauma’s bombardment but also schemed ways to get me out of my shell otherwise known as parenting

if nothing else was done it would be enough

a point came at which i’d become confident in and proud of my musical skills and endeavored to overperform everything to prove that i could otherwise known as being a show choir kid

and one day i was at the family’s house and one of the parents asked for a song and that song is super easy to play with two guitars but only possible given 5-8 hours of transcription with months of polish time on one so naturally i tried to do everything all at once never having played the song before and then the parent who requested it said

”Sweetie, just play the song. Mean it. We’ll know.”

and a few short minutes later nearly the whole room was singing along and this is like two parents and seven kids from seventeen to four years old in this huge dining room

if nothing else was done it would be enough

in order #greattaco #excellenttaco #goodtaco

not pictured is excellent company in not quite the middle of nowhere

fast forward twenty-seven years from that moment to last weekend when many theater and show choir kids assembled some for the first time since the days of yore

we met to memorialize a member of that very special family not for the first time but the first in decades but also because losing this very special person reminded us all to be with each other especially at this exact moment in time

and it was an absolute blast not for the least reason to hear all these talented magi absolutely tear it up to a packed room at karaoke please forget what i said about this moment in time otherwise known as alright stop whatcha doin

if nothing else was done it would be enough

and then we did the thing we were there to do and it was beautiful and kind just like all the people in that room and in our hearts and at a certain point i needed to hide behind an instrument to cope with feelings and that lovingly backfired

here’s why

when a musician plays a funeral or a memorial service or a wedding or other such huge moment in the life of a person they love they tend to carry the memory of that moment and exude it in every subsequent performance of the same music and while i’m sure there’s a neurological designation in the dsm5 for it i’ve just always called it mirroring

i try to control mine by accessing a joyful memory with the person having the very big day while i perform by rote and that technique had never not worked before last saturday as every joyful memory i have with the very big day person was completely wrong for the song i’d chosen

all the tacos in the world could not have prepared me for this moment and i need you to trust me on this because among my goals is to eat all the tacos in the world but not literally like try a taco from oh dang it’s like i’m a show choir kid overperforming a monologue

anyway

i couldn’t get to the place i needed to be otherwise known as grief and then it hit me

sweetie just play the song
mean it
We’ll know.

may you grow old and tall and strong and give shade and comfort to those who need it

i just tried to access the original memory after reflecting on this new moment for several days and i cannot detach the new memory from the old as now they’re an interconnected lattice of simultaneities or maybe several planes of existence through which one’s aether moves freely but is never exclusively in one or another otherwise known as catharsis

every person in that room and in our hearts got to take part in one of my favorite memories with a person i carry with me as their parents before them and all these and those people are now a part of it for me forever

if nothing else was done it would be enough