pandemic — Joshua Bornfield

a little over a month ago we were sent home

what followed immediately was an odd combination of feeling missed opportunity for procrastinating a bunch of projects to a time when i would be more available and existential dread at the fact that time had come and i was utterly incapable of doing even the most basic functions of daily life much less a slough of major works

it is going to get really bad they said
it is going to get really bad no matter what we do but if we do this social distancing it will be better than if we do nothing

doing nothing is not an option

people are dying
tens of thousands of people are dying

and the fear and the tension builds as it becomes clear that there is no magical escape from this
this event is ours to live through

hopefully

and the gigs are all canceled and the concerts stop and the rehearsals are suspended indefinitely and the premieres are delayed and all the composers i want to commission i delay asking because in my heart of hearts i know that there may not be a concert season next year and i don’t want to put them through what happened to me

and stop i tell myself

stop

s t o p

you can’t stop this from happening to anyone

it’s happening to everyone together
everyone alone together
and there is a tragic solace in that

but there are some things you can do i say to myself who is also the only company for a while with the exception of this terribly handsome cat

i can stay home to help flatten the curve

i can play music aloud and it does just as much good if it’s from my hand or from a recording of someone else’s

i can find a little peace in knowing that i’m not the only one with reservations about making new art right now

i can remember that it’s okay to struggle and that not every moment needs me at my absolute strongest as long as i know the difference between okay and not okay

i can keep better in touch with my friends and family than i ever have before
i can find new reasons to pay artists i believe in
i can support organizations that support the organizations i trust to make music of excellence and of interest

as it happens it seems there is a lot i can do just a little at a time
all this fear is revolving around a new and unpredictable situation but i’ve been in that position a bunch of times just without the high morbidity rate

see

this is just a hellscape-apocalyptica version of joining an ensemble
it’s easy to feel helpless and confused because you think you’re there to do one thing but in reality you’re there to do something else
you aren’t just a pretty voice
you are an artist of ferocious power and seemingly effortless grace
they don’t need you because of the way you sing or the way you play your instrument or you dance or you animate or do whatever it is that is your discipline
they need you because there is no one else like you and no one knows why until they do

i feel confused about the time pretty much all the time and i’m a lot more anxious than usual and i find it very difficult to focus for more than fifteen minutes as a time but this is getting easier because i’m starting to understand how much i can do when to all appearances i am powerless because i am alone

for now

but not forever